Please Dun Anyhow Think

Today did not go school as ytd did not sleep well. My skin irritates me. Mabel gave me a morning call but i wanted to sleep a bit longer after that go bath den go school but i oversleep so decide not to go school as wanted to sleep(rest). Mabel Called me again and i said that i no going to school den she ask if  i got go K at 2pm, i say got cause Cythia will not be happy if i did not go. But later around 11am, i msg cythia that i will not go den she reply, pay her 10 bucks tmr.. i dun know y did not go mux pay but anyway, she did say to me before la so k lor, i dun mind paying cause she did tell me if nv go muz pay. 

In the morning Mabel was like not happy as did not go school still got go K but in the late mornin she called my house phone but sound happy, dun know y..

Mabel: Sorry did not realised that u called me on Sunday cause if i know u called me, i will call back to u de. Sorry...

This morning thought of dying cause really suffering for me. Had so call a dream of jumping down from my house outside and jus yi liao bai liao... It made me feel so relief/ relax when i had that thought... but i can't...

I do have run away from problem(s) b4 but after that i will go face it. Running away will not solve the problem but we are just human being. Asking me face with so many problem though at different time but i will still feel tired and afraid. I still will run away from problem.

I hate myself, i do want/ like suffering....

What Actually Do I Want?

Dun know what happen to me... Suddenly feel very moody.

Haiz, thought of Yan Ling having 2 jobs just to support her family and herself, then wat about me? Who am i supporting? Myself? Ya, maybe.....

Just now had msn with my cousin who is only one year older than me and now she is studying in university. My goal is to go ploy. She do not have financial problem and her family financial is quite stable. She has one elder brother and one elder sister, to me she like has no problem.

I feel that i am quite useless, i hate to be at home, seriously, because of my father who always shout when he reaches home. My mum is the one who is really tired. Early morning wake up at 4am den go to work, reaches home at around 5.30pm and got to help my father to do this and that, i hate my father at times. He is the one that brought himself to this state but my mum got to suffer. I only know how to be jealous of my brother who can dun help and will not get scolding or nag by mum. My mum's elder brother knows that my mum is bias towards my brother, had told her but she deny. 

Dun know la, sometimes my mum did treat me well but... Anyway, this is how family is, u feel that parents are bias but sometimes u feel that they are not...

I just feel that i should not be calculative towards my brother. If i am not calculative, maybe can help decrease my mum's burden. All i can say is i am not a good daughter.

Now i only hope that i can go ploy and further my studies and get a good job. I had the urge to tell my rm not to put me to work from december till my grad in ite. I want to focus in my studies. I want to stay focus.  But think is impossible

I find it meaningful so i put it here

Love is patient and kind.

Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude.

Love cares more for others than self,

doesn't want what it doesn't have,

doesn't force itself on others, isn't always "me first".

Love is not irritable,

and doesn't keep score.

It is never glad about injustice

but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.

Love never gives up, puts up with everything,

always trusts, always looks for the best,

never looks back, but keeps going to the end.

Love never fails

Today and Monday did not go to school. 

Monday did not go school is because i not feeling well. I did go see doctor and get MC but is at night den go. However, in the afternoon, i cried when i want to reply my father, i do not know y, is been a long time i did not cry in front of them le.. Is just out of sudden that i can't even control furthermore is like out of control.... I dun even know that i want to cry...

As for today, i overslept. I wanted to go see doctor just to get a MC but sky keeps raining heavily made me dun and can't go out... 

Had been thinking, why am i working so hard for wat and for who... I do not have off days as Monday to Friday schooling, Saturday and Sunday working, some days after school got to go work too. I not enough sleep plus not time for my own leisure... Really really dun understand.. Now my goal is to go ploy as is my final lap towards my goal but what i am doing now did not meant for my goal.. really questioning..

Ask raymond for permission not to work on sunday as going to my uncle house.. Haven ask yet. going to